I'm Pretty Fucked Up.
July 21, 2008 1:28 p.m.
I am confused. It's been 2 weeks since Mike and I went on "break" and 1 week since we have been broken.
He is trying, very hard. He attempted dinner last night, which I have to say I was very impressed with. We went grocery shopping and he was very attentive and TALKATIVE. Which I liked, Mike is usually a quiet person, but I liked hearing him talk, because well, for the first time it wasn't about games or knocking on celebrities.
We were having a real conversation, and I bought into every word he said. Again, he asked me how much longer he would have to wait before I decided if I would ever take him back again, I answered as honestly as I could, simply- I don't know.
One thing that Mike did that really aggravated me is that he let his sister (who has always hated me) and his mother read my blog! And if you are reading this now it's because you are on my preferred list of people I selected to be able to read this, so I kind of felt like my privacy has been invaded. Of course his sister has no sense so her answer to my blog was "I can't believe she is letting strangers read your business! Mike you need to come out with me and my girlfriends!" I hated that he felt it was necessary to share my blog with his family.
Anyhow on another note, I don't want to put my life on hold while I wait to see if Mike is sincere in his changes, I feel like my life has already been on hold for the past four years. So, that being said, I admit I have been taking full advantage of the single life and I went out with a guy on Friday (no not some random guy, I've known him for a while), he was fun and thoughtful and I didn't have one dull moment. I felt like I didn't have to compete for his attention, whereas with Mike I was always competing against the XBOX 360. This guy is a lot of what I wanted from Mike. He's also a great guy and even if nothing ever develops, or if I get back with Mike, this guy would make an excellent friend because he has a great listening ear and has a caring ora about him.
I felt bad for Mike that he just sat at home Friday night, I encouraged him to go out and have a little fun, and he did. On Saturday he went to see Dark Knight with his friend from High School. He told me that it does make him upset that I want to go out with other people, but he understands and wants to do the same thing too, but for the wrong reasons.
Mikes number one fear, as he so politely put, is that I will find someone else to love and I will no longer want to be with him. He said it would kill him. It hurts me to hear him say things like that. I have this feeling of guilt that plagues my heart when he says things of that nature to me� I know he is just expressing how he feels (which I encouraged) but I also don't want to stay with him out of guilt.
I think I need to work on myself before jumping into anything else (i.e. another relationship or back into the relationship Mike and I had) I'm a pretty fucked up person.